How to Masturbate – The Powerful Woman

Okay, so it’s not big secret that my Dirty White Candy series was less about romance (but there’s romance in it,) and more about the incredible sexual journey of the main character, Candy Kavana.

The main theme through all of my books (remembering I write non-erotic fiction as Kim Mullican) is a strong, empowered woman. I like strong women. I want to be Sarah Conner wielding an AR-15 saving the world from future robots… okay, that’s a bit of a stretch, but still.

I’ve found a channel on YouTube called Sexplanations. The channel host is Dr. Lindsey Doe, a Clinical Sexologist and she’s prepared to talk openly and honestly about sex.

With the erotic romance genre thriving, and the general population moving further from Victorian Era women-shaming, we are now more free to experience our sexuality with less guilt, less shaming and less stress.

And we already know, stress is a libido killer.

Anywhooo – Dr. Linsey talks in this video about masturbation. She talks about how to scratch that itch in various ways and to keep healthy. She stresses that masturbation is health care – ehem – for down there.

Don’t take my twisted-ass word for it – watch it.

Find your Zen in Bed


Communication is key in any relationship.  This is true in sexual relationships as well.  Frustration can mount for both men and women when they aren’t getting what they so desperately want.

Now the want can change from person to person.  But the fact remains the same.  If you can open up your communication with one another, you can not only learn what drives your partner wild, you may very well learn a few things about yourself.

So how do you start?  Well, depending on your comfort level, here are a few suggestions for you.

Decide what you want but are not getting now.

Do you want more oral pleasure? Slower pace?  Start off easy.  Figure out what you want.

Naughty Lite

I know from chatting with some of my fans that some of you have never done anything the least bit dramatic, so diving into, say… a threesome is a bit of a stretch at this point.  So what can you do?  Start off small, something less intimidating.  Try talking naughty during sex.  Do something you’ve never done.  When you come up from behind him for that hug, lick his ear. Tell him you want him – NOW.  Go somewhere private and get yourself revved up and let him feel your sense of urgency.  Men, switch up positions, let her know she feels good – call her naughty.  Tell her you’ve been thinking about her all day and can’t wait to feel her pressed up against you.

More experienced people will tell you…

They didn’t start off sex-crazed maniacs shoving various items up their bums.  They started somewhere.  They took a risk, the leap and tried something new.  Go ahead, try it.  Driving somewhere with your spouse down the freeway/interstate?  We’ve all seen the signs from the road for adult toy shops.  Shock your significant other and pull in… walk around.  Don’t be afraid to giggle or point out what interests you.  It can be an education for you and your significant other.

Remove the fear

The biggest reason people get stuck in a rut is due to fear.  Take the fear away by putting a name to it.  When you talk to your partner, let them know you’re nervous, fearful of {insert item here} but you want to try XYZ.  I find what people fear the most is a bad response from their spouse/significant other.  Remember, they too are human, with fantasies and desires.  Be what they desire. Let them be your muse.

Erotica or Pornography – you choose.

Part of one’s responsibility as a writer, is to support your community.  With the broad sweeping of novels off the shelves by retailers due to the drama in the UK, many authors blogged about it.  It’s a delicate situation.  I don’t really like censorship, but I don’t want to see books like TAKING MY DRUNK DAUGHTER either.  Case in point, I don’t think books should be published that portray child abuse, rape (for titillation) or necrophilia.  But I’m no emperor and quite frankly, I enjoy my first amendment rights.  I won’t give them up without a fight either.  Therein resides the fine line.

However, I read a blog post the other day that had me spitting fucking nails.  Now I will provide a link in a moment and while the article really really gets under my skin, I will ask that anyone commenting to show a modicum of respect.  Agree or disagree – this is one of my peers and I will show her more respect than she’s shown me and mine.

The first quote that started my blood boiling:

“In broad terms, pornography is abuse: sex with children, rape, incest; sex with animals, sex with the dead, sex where blood is spilled. Porn is often, though not always, written from the male point of view, and is frequently composed with expletives and euphemisms.”

Are you kidding me?  Where the hell did that definition come from? I’d be willing to wager that those in the porn industry that check ID, ensure health cards are up to date and take responsibility for their craft would love to tar and feather her for that statement.

The next quote, this is where things start to get dicey and I’ll explain.

The first rule of erotic literature is that it is literature. It should be well-written. Erotica explores the dark, hidden, secret side of human sexuality. Its key elements are psychology, disparate human emotions often explored through aspects of domination and submission. Is spanking erotic? It can be. It is a human activity and its study requires the rhythmic stroke and elegiac beat of the literary drum. In a FaceBook Forum this same week with United Filmmakers Association, Joshua Looby provided tips on shooting erotica, and writer Caesar Voghan pithily summed up the discussion by pointing out that, in film terms, in simple terms, nudity is erotic, genitalia is pornographic.

Now it should be noted, if you didn’t catch it, the above quote about nudity and genitalia is not hers, but a filmmaker’s.  But this would make shows like Spartacus–porn. (Can you hear my eyes rolling?)

Finally – the third quote and what set me off:

I will end with some advice. To the booksellers: remember, writers are like flowers. Don’t trample on them. To the pornographer: put down the pen and get a life. To the erotic writer: keep going, keep writing, keep improving. Look at your work and, if you think to yourself: that’s good enough. It’s not good enough. Cut. Edit. Re-write. The way ahead will be tough. The only weapon you have is you ability, your integrity, your imagination.

So let’s sum this up: If genitalia, expletives and euphemisms are used, it’s porn.  Porn is abuse.  I, apparently, don’t write erotica, but according to Ms. Thurow, I write porn.  Therefore, I am a criminal who should be locked up next to the child abuser, the rapist and the necrophiliac.  Because my books have a bit more heat than hers and I’d rather see the word COCK then something like stem or rod or hardness.  Please, I’m an adult. A dick is a dick, not a flower, not a bulge – it’s a dick, cock, erection and so on.  Also, according to her and her definition, I should just quit writing. . . despite the fact that I just acquired a 3-Book deal from a publisher.  Well, I should quit writing as well as thousands of other authors. 😡

Never mind that the porn industry is a $14B a year business.  Yes, that’s billion.  Translation: whether or not you admit it, you watch it.  I have no problem admitting I watch porn.  On some nights, especially the rare night where the kids are all gone, the hubby and I like to kick back with an adult beverage and something rated X or worse.

But I digress… I’d really love to hear from you.  I want to know if I’m alone.  What is your definition of porn?  Do you think that erotica that doesn’t dance around names for genitalia actually porn? Is it criminal? Does it take from your reading experience or do you want to spend your time trying to decide if some guy is banging a hot chick or sticking into a dew filled lily?

Comment below and I’ll throw your name in a hat.  I will choose one random winner (no you don’t have to agree with me to win.)  I will send an Amazon gift card to the lucky winner.

Now if you want to read the blog post in it’s entirety, you can do so here.  But again, I implore you to be respectful.  Hell, you may even agree with her and that’s okay.  Just remain respectful is all I ask.

Lost your G-Spot? Let me help you find it.

I take the female orgasm very seriously.  Mostly because I’m a woman and I like orgasms.  Who doesn’t?

One of THE most popular questions I’m asked is where to find the female “G” Spot.  The “G” is short for Grafenberg spot, named after the German gynocologist who located it and published about it waaaay back in 1950 (which makes me question why it’s still so damned hard for men to find.)  I digress.

First, some nifty medical diagrams for you to view. 

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And another:

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This is difficult to find unless already aroused.  Once aroused it will become swollen and a bit stiffer.  It may even feel a little rough.  If you feel like you have to pee – then you or your partner have found it!  It’s very close to the bladder, so the pressure sort of pushes on the bladder.  Don’t worry, the more it’s stimulated the less you feel like you have to pee.

Now, the instructions: When your lady is excited, insert finger(s) palm up.  Now, don’t try to scratch her insides (trim fingernails please) wiggle your fingers like you’re telling her to cum here 😉  Okay, I couldn’t resist.  Shoot me.  

Now, in case you have not figured it out, you can also stimulate this little guy with the head of your cock.  Think angles.  Get a damned protractor if you must.  For guys with a curved penis, this could be a little easier.

Go… now… find your G-Spot.  You can thank me later, when you catch your breath.


Happy as a Bearded Clam


As I wipe the sweat from my brow, I’m happy to say that I’ve finished the first draft of the third book in the Dirty White Candy series.  It’s the longest in the series thus far and I really had a difficult time ending it.

Candy goes through many changes in Trading Places.  I’m excited to see how my readers feel about Candy, John and a few other characters when this is all over.

Now that I’m done and sending it off to be printed (I simply cannot edit on a laptop.  It must be on paper,) I’m curious about something.  As a writer, I can do just about anything to my characters.  I can write nearly any story.  As I’ve said before, I write in other genre’s under my given name.

What do you like?  What do you want to read?  Werewolves, shape-shifters and vampires? BDSM? Secret societies?  What gets your panties wet or pops your tent?  Tell me what’s up, other than hard dicks and airplanes.

I value your opinion so much – here’s what I’ll do.  I’ll give away FIVE A.R.C.s (advance reading copies) of my new Dirty White Candy book (eBook only) for my top five choices.

So comment and share.  Momma is interested in what you have to say.

~Much Love,


It was brought to my attention that many folks wish to stay private – so you can email me at if you wish 😉

Horny Humpday Q & A!!!

SESSION NOW CLOSED!  Thank you for all (most) who participated!


It’s that time again!  Time to answer questions from my lovely fans and friends.  No real rules.  You can ask me just about anything you want.  I will answer nearly any question.


This is for adults only.  VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.  Will more than likely contain strong language, offensive topics and the words, dick, cock, pussy or twat every so often.  I may even throw in a CUNT for good measure.

So I’m going to enjoy my friend chicken and Smirnoff while I wait for your questions.  (Don’t judge until you try it!)

Wednesday Night Q & A with Ms. Cox

SESSION NOW CLOSED!  Be sure to submit questions for next week’s Q & A!  Thank you all for visiting.


It’s HUMP DAY!  That means Q & A with me, Anita Cox.  You can ask me questions about sex, swinging or my books.  Not too much is off limits here.  So fire away.  You can comment below (even anonymously) or send me an email at authoranitacox (at) yahoo (dot) com.

So, while I’m tied up for this hour, I’m all yours.  Remember – the only stupid question is one that is never asked.


Fun with Cox

Q & A is becoming quite fun… just a reminder, Q & A is on Wednesday evenings at 7 p.m. CST.  I take confidential questions via email at authoranitacox (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Tonight, I’m giving B.J. tips.  We all know the men, they love their hummers – and I’m not referring to the 8 mpg military knockoffs that display a man’s penis issues.  I’m talking about going down, knob-jobs, blumpkin or knob-job.

First thing is first, get to know your man…does he like it better standing, laying down, sitting down??? Get him in his favorite position.

Now…if you want to be the best knob-gobbler around, you must be confident.  Pressure matters.  Don’t choke-his-chicken to death.  Get a grip, but no more than you could firmly grab a tomato without doing damage.

In order to polish his knob, you must be lubricated, so be certain you don’t have a dry mouth.  Now that you have him lubed up and comfy, remember than your hands are your friends.  Putting your hands in the “prayer” position, intertwine your fingers.  Now you’re going to do the dip-n-twist.  Dip your mouth down and twist your palms (fingers locked) from base to tip.  Alternate speed up and down and in the twisting motion… this will drive your guy wild.

For the experienced cock suckers out there, you know the man-berries below like a little attention as well.  Licking, sucking and massaging his baby-butter factory is a good way to add stimulation.

If you’re giving your man a Lewinsky, and he likes the anal play, you can also stimulate his prostrate.  I don’t recommend this if fellatio is the beginning act.  But if you’re goal is to bring him to orgasm, here are two ways to stimulate Old Faithful.

First, lick your thumb or finger and get it good and lubricated.  Then, gently stroke (X motion works well) over that firm area below his balls and before the bung-holey-o.  If he wants more, you can massage it from the inside using a finger.  If he’s never had anal play, start with the pinky… so he doesn’t freak out. (Trim your nails ladies.)

Finally, if you’d like to increase the intense sensation he feels, you can set a fan near you to gently blow on his man-sausage.  It’ll cool his tool, making the warmth of your mouth that much more sensational.  In the alternative, you can suck on some ice to cool your mouth and drive him wild.

So there you have it – some simple tips to make your knob bobbing experience more intense for your man.  Enjoy!

Q & A Time!!!

img-thingSESSION CLOSED.  Thank you for your questions.  Remember, I do take questions by private message on facebook as well as email at authoranitacox (at) yahoo (dot) com.  I hope you enjoyed today’s Q & A!  See you next week.   


It’s that time again.  I will attempt to answer all questions I receive.  I am not qualified to give any medical or marital advice, but I will do my very best.  I’ve been receiving questions already.  Here’s what we have so far:

Question #1 – From Angie – 

How long did you consider swinging before you took in that first experience, and how long was it before you felt comfortable with it? What kind of things could a new couple expect to see at an event, and is there anything that newbies seem to be shocked by frequently?

Answer: (Part One) I’m on my second marriage.  I could have NEVER gone here with hubby #1.  I’d already had some girl/girl and 3some experiences.  The husband enjoyed hearing about my naughty college experiences so we already had “story time.”  But he’s a naughty little boy… I digress.  We watched License to Wed.  (Totally recommend this movie!)  Robin Williams is a priest about to marry a couple and he asks the groom-to-be if he would give the wife-to-be a threesome if that would make her happy.  It sparked the conversation… one that I’m so glad we had.

   It took a few months for us to decide to dip our toes in.  We were hooked.  We started with a threesome and went from there.  Something odd happens during swinging.  At first, it stung a bit, seeing the man I love with someone else… then it became a complete turn on.  By the third or fourth time there was no discomfort with it at all.

(Part Two)  First thing to know is that there are different kinds of events.  There are on-premise clubs, which means it’s a building that houses events usually every weekend.  There are off-site clubs, which are generally hotel take-overs or Meet and Greets at bars.  Then there are house parties.  House parties have far less restrictions, but you never know what you’re getting yourself into.

For beginners, it will probably shock you how easy everyone is being naked.  Most people start off in sexy street clothes then change into lingerie after a few drinks.  By the end of the night a lot of people (on-premise clubs) will just be butt ass naked.  Another thing that surprised me was sitting there having a drink and looking over to see some girl on her knees giving a blow job at the table next to us.  I looked at my husband and said, “Would you look at that cock-sucker.”  Because I make jokes when I get nervous.

People talk about sex very openly.  Since we are a society that has learned not to do that, it can take a bit getting used to.  When it comes to “play time” and you need to quickly go over the rules (no face shots please.) That can be awkward when you haven’t been there before.  After a few times, it’s just like saying, “hold the onions.”

Ultimately, my first club experience, I was just very surprised to see how nice people were and how willing they were to help educate newbies, show them the ropes, answer questions and introduce them to other swingers.  Of course, there are asshats anywhere you go, but for the most part, these are five-star folks.  The most important thing to remember is that you are never required to do anything.

The first time my husband and I went, we didn’t play with anyone else.  We just watched, then devoured each other for hours.  (And fucked like bunny rabbits for days afterward.)  There is a sexual electricity to events like that.  Everyone is supercharged, super-sexed and ready to party.  Everyone’s club experience is unique to them.  Take your time.  Dip your toe in the water… it’s nice and warm.

Question #2 from Darcy – My husband is horrible at oral sex.  It feels like an alien is invading my body.  I’ve tried to guide him, but he just doesn’t listen.

Answer:  Darcy… this is a common problem.  If you ARE bi-sexual, consider having a girl show him how it’s done.  If you’re not, this may sound crazy, but grab an orange (or peach or some other fleshy fruit.)  Carve.  Yes, I said carve.  Grab your paring knife and make yourself a clit.  Then do a little demo for him.  It should get him horny and teach him a thing or two about the art of cunnilingus.  If not, and the oral stimulation is just not there (assuming you love your spouse and want to stick together) then skip the oral sex and get a finger vibrator so you can DIY yourself to orgasm during sex.  That’s my best advice.tumblr_lud0e9FHMi1qbamzro1_250

What would I do?  I wouldn’t blow him again until he learned to eat proper pussy.  =O


Question #3 from Nancy SpankMahBehind  Is BDSM allowed in clubs?

Answer: That varies from club to club.  Some clubs have “dungeons” for this sort of play.  However, I have seen it get very awkward when it’s practiced in regular play areas.  Some people are uncomfortable with it and don’t understand what’s going on.  Like any other kink, it’s a taboo some understand, some don’t and some totally disagree with.  I would seek a club with a “dungeon”.  One club I know have has an experienced Dom for ladies who want to try it.

Question #4 from Anonymous  Are you really a woman?

Answer: Yep, complete with a vagina, stretch marks and two spawn walking around with my eyes and features.  Though I’d love to be able to stand and pee…. I fantasize about those moments.

Swing Club 101

As a reminder, I’m taking questions for Wednesday night’s Q & A session.  It can be any question regarding my books, swinging, sex etc.  Not too much is taboo.  If you want to stay private, you only need to tell me so.  You can send me a PM on Facebook, comment anonymously below or send an email to authoranitacox at yahoo dot com.

Okay, with that being said, I get a lot of club questions.  So, I’m going to cover here what to expect, etiquette and the like.  I hope to cover the bases, but if I missed something you were curious about, don’t hesitate to ask.  Questions about swinging in general or questions not related to this post be held for Wednesday night’s Q & A session.

What should I bring?

If you’re going to an on-premise club, you’ll need a lock for the locker.  Most on-premise clubs have somewhere to lock up valuables.  You need to bring a change of clothes.  Most clubs wont’ allow you in the “play areas” in street clothes.  You can bring pj’s, lingerie, boxers etc.  There are clubs that serve alcohol, but most are BYOB.  Most on-premise clubs will have mixers and soda for you.  Check the club’s website for info.

Off premise clubs are held usually in hotels and there is no sex permitted at the party.  This is a place to meet and greet and then go to your own room.

What happens when we first arrive?

You will pay the fee (varies per club) and fill out a membership card.  Your information is kept private, but it is for your protection as the cards usually state you are not media or law enforcement.  There’s also a public nudity provision.  You’ll probably be given a tour.  Some clubs have “host couples” that will show you around and help make you comfortable.  Then just make yourself a drink, sit back and take everything in.

I’m nervous and a little shy.  What should I do?

This is totally normal.  First, take a deep breath.  Smile at people, they will come to you.  If you do get a host couple, they’ll help you along.  Try to force yourself to strike up a conversation.  The easiest question to ask is, “How long have you been coming here?”  Be sure to tell others you are new.  They’ll understand that you are nervous instead of uninterested.

What should I wear?

Whatever makes you feel sexy.  Of course, every club in every state varies.  Start off in a sexy outfit (something you’d wear to a dance club maybe) then when you’re feeling brave, change into something a little more saucy.

I’ve heard other couples make rules.  How do I go about doing that?

Most couples do have rules about who, what, when, where they swing.  You should as well.  If you’ve never had a swing experience before, talk to your partner and set parameters on what is acceptable and what is not.  Do you want to do full swap (exchange partners for everything,) soft-swap (exchange partners for everything but actual sex,) same room, separate room, girl/girl only… will you allow kissing others?  These are all questions you need to think about and discuss before you dive in.

There are no right or wrong answers here.  Everyone’s swinging experience is their own.  Just be certain you both understand limits and expectations.  This can avoid issues down the road.

Be sure you discuss your rules with anyone you play with.  It makes it more comfortable for everyone involved.

Is it okay to attend a party just to see what it’s like?

It’s absolutely okay!  As a matter of fact, I highly recommend it.  People will probably encourage you to join in, dance, talk, laugh etc.  You’ll learn more by participating in the non-sexual aspect your first time.  You can go and only have sex with your spouse (always.)  Just don’t expect any privacy 😉

I’m afraid of jealousy.

It does happen from time to time.  It is the perfect time to solidify your relationship through discussion.  What made you jealous? What can be done to prevent it in the future? While it may be an unpleasant feeling, it isn’t the end of the world and most likely, a simple adjustment to the rules can prevent those feelings in the future.  Just keep an open mind, and listen to your partner when they tell you they felt jealous.  Don’t be dismissive.  You must show each other mutual respect for this to work (and marriage as far as that goes.)

What if someone is making me uncomfortable?

“No” has and will always mean no.  If someone doesn’t take the hint (please don’t hint, just say, “no, thank you,” then go to someone.  The people who checked you in, the host couple, security and tell them. Chances are if an asshole is bothering you, he’s bothering others too.

That does it – I hope I’ve cleared up some of your questions for you.  Until then… I will be back Wednesday at 7 p.m. CST.