What would my mother say?

Let me preface this by saying my mother does not have a computer, or a smartphone. She doesn’t do the internet, make payments online, or order anything online. She gives me the cash to do it for her. Yep, she’s old school. Thank God! Because if she did, she’d surely strip my father of his belt and beat my ass with it.

I do have a cousin with a wife that likes to stir things up (not in a bad way,) and Jessica might just show this to her so she can laugh her ass off with all of her wiener dog rescues. But I digress.

What’s incredibly hilarious to me is the assumptions folks make about the authors of erotic content. It’s like we are so sex starved that we are getting finger banged in the grocery store bathroom every Wednesday by the young man who bags our produce.

 

Assumption: Your mother must have been incredibly progressive for you to have the sex education you have.

churchwithfamilyinside

Reality: My mother is a quiet woman, who enjoys country music and church. Yes, she’s read all of my books but we do not speak about them…like at all. It freaks me out that she reads them and I’m sure it freaks her out that I write them. But we don’t DARE speak about them. When it was time to talk about sex, she grabbed a Medical Encyclopedia (for you young folks, it’s the old time version of Wikipedia) and showed me a diagram of a penis. It was horrifying, not to mention not very educational at all. But what it did do was make me stop asking questions. Poor thing…she did the best she could when I asked her what a Blow Job was.

 

Assumption: Your husband must be the most satisfied man on the face of the planet!

Reality: I work full time and write/blog/edit/market when I’m not at work. When’s he supposed to get some booty? Okay, we do have our wild times and yes, he’s a happy man. But he wants sex like 8 times a day. Who has time for that? I got shit to do!

 

Assumption (this one cracks me up): You must slip into something sexy when you write. You can just feel sex appeal slipping off the page. (Yes folks, these are actual words sent to me.)

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Reality: If I have to sit in a chair for five hours, I’m not doing it in lingerie. If I did, the hubs would be attacking me and I wouldn’t be writing. Not to mention I have a 15 year old who would be scarred for life if I sat around the house in lingerie. A pair of crotchless panties would just send him to a lifetime of therapy.

I actually slip into something stretchy and usually have an adult beverage on hand, like Vodka and carbonated cranberry juice, or moscato. During the day, it’s coffee. But no… no lingerie. I did try a dress once but when I sat Indian style, my kid hand a stroke.

 

Assumption: You’ve experienced everything in your books.

giphy

Reality: Do you ask other people what sexual experiences they’ve had? For the record, I’ve never been to an island that is a swingers resort. I’ve never had sex with a shifter, or a pixie. Also, I have never magically grown a dick. That’s all fiction. Not that I’m opposed…

 

Assumption: You must be really open with your kids.

 

Reality: This one is actually very true. I believe in sex education. My daughter can and has asked me some really crazy questions. I’ve always had the answer and shared openly with her. The one time I didn’t, I looked it up. When she came out as bi-sexual, I didn’t shame her. I brought up the research and showed her statistically, she’s pretty fuckin’ average. That gave her the confidence to come out publicly.

The boy…the boy doesn’t ask much. He just mentioned to me that he can’t wear condoms because he’s allergic to latex. So…I gave him an education on non-latex condoms. He’s a lot less comfortable talking with me about this stuff, but he’s starting to open up.

And I don’t just recommend the YouTube Channel Sexplanations on here. I’ve also sent links to my children. My eldest is 19 and the youngest is 15. Who better to explain things to them than a Licensed Clinical Sexologist?

https://www.youtube.com/user/sexplanations

Assumption: You love reading erotica and watching porn.

 

Reality: I do watch porn. I don’t enjoy most of it. The gagging, facials and all around grossness gags me. There are very few “scenes” I find sexy at all. And what the FUCK is with all of the anal? Come on….I actually read an article from a videographer that filmed those scenes. He said the smell alone killed his appetite and sex drive. Don’t get me started on all of the spitting. Who thought THAT was a good idea?

Call me an old fucker if you want, but some of these girls look 14 years old… I just cringe. Not sexy to me. Not sexy at all.

I do enjoy reading erotic romance but for fucks sake there’s so much drivel out there. I find some of the BDSM novels horrifying. According to reviews, there are many out there that like it. But when you draw blood? Well, if I had a dick, it would turtle.

And the bodily fluids…don’t get me started. When I read that a woman has cream oozing out of her, I’m thinking she needs to get to her OBGYN. I’m not exactly getting worked up. Yogurt just doesn’t flow out of a healthy vagina.

chobani-yogurt_0
Oh yeah, this is sexy!

With all of that being said, there are great porns out there and great erotic content. You just have to be a smart buyer. Look at/read the samples. I’m not saying mine is the best. Not at all or I’d be selling like Maya Banks and Shayla Black.

 

Assumption: You’ve got to be making a killing!

 

Reality: I work a full-time job because I have to. Because I have a family. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to get the big house. For now, no, a killing doesn’t describe what I’m making.

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