Keeping the Fire in the Bedroom

First, let it not be said that I’m a technology whiz.  For some reason my Spice Up Your Sex Life post seemed to be a duplicate of The Benefits of Sex.  I’m not entirely sure where all my hard work went, so I’ll just attempt to be as clever as I was the first time 😉  So here it goes.

Sex is an integral part of any relationship.  Whether gay, straight, bi-sexual, pan-sexual, or try-sexual (I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it!), chances are, after the honeymoon stage, things start to wane a bit.  Other than money and children, this can be the most stressful subject for some couples.  If one partner has the drive and the other doesn’t, it can leave the spouse with the desire feeling unwanted, rejected and self-conscious.

Sex is good for you.  It’s good for your marriage.  It actually keeps young.  So what can we do to bring the heat back in the bedroom?  Let’s start with the basics.

Be each other’s best friend

This may seem simple.  But go to dinner together.  Ladies, go fishing with him.  Be brave.  Have him show you how to bait your hook then DO IT YOURSELF.  You’ll earn his respect.  Men, does she take a pottery class, painting class etc.?  Go with her.  Take a class with her.  Take interest in each other.


I’m not talking about grocery shopping.  Go lingerie shopping together.  She picks out his attire, and he picks hers.  After all, it’s the spouse that sees you in the attire.  Let them choose what does it for them.  The experience can be arousing for both.


Greet your man at the door in something naughty.  Bring your wife flowers or a gift certificate for a massage.  Do things for each other you normally do not.  What did you do when you first started dating? Don’t stop doing these things simply because you’re married.  If you have kids at home, pick a date night and find a sitter.

Gentlemen, slow down

I don’t mean your rhythm has to be slow, but the number one reason women lose desire is that we have to do a lot of work and get messy.  We’re just getting into it by the time you’re done.  Don’t be selfish.  Give as good as you get.

Time for a chat

Lack of communication is a problem for a very large number of couples.  I never really understood this.  You know each other’s credit scores, social security numbers, blood type and family baggage.  Talk.  I used to be one of those people that couldn’t talk about sex.  My face would turn red and I couldn’t find the words.  Lay in bed with the lights off.  Talk about your desires.  This is not the time to chastise your partner.  This is the time to talk about what you want to try, what you’ve fantasized about.  You could start off playful, with story time.

Take a look in the mirror

I’m not encouraging self-loathing.  But get naked and look in the mirror.  BOTH OF YOU.  If you’ve gotten flabby, start exercising together.  Exercise increases testosterone (which makes you horny) and makes you look and feel better.  Have you had the same hair style for 20 years?  Go, ask the girls at the salon for help (this goes for the men too.)  When you look good, you feel good.  Your partner will notice.  Hell, go do it together.  Transform together, grow together.

Time to play

Try toys, devices, cock-rings, lotions, porn, erotica, etc.  Just start experimenting.  I stress the together part.  Do these things together.  If you don’t like something, say so.  I don’t like the flavored stuff.  Food and sex don’t belong together according to my gag reflex, but for some, a little cherry flavored oral aide can really boost the experience.  They make edible gel pens.  Paint yourself with them where you want your partners tongue to go.  Draw an arrow down to your lady bits and write “Fuck Me Here” and watch him go wild.  Get a sex swing or chair.  Go for it.

Try the Lifestyle

This step is not for everyone.  I caution you, if there are trust issues (and that actually may be the problem in the bedroom) fidelity issues or jealousy.  This is not for you.  The lifestyle refers to swinging.  There are many different types of swinging.  For some, the wives play together then everyone has sex with their own partners.  Others trade partners.  Then some people have full out house parties where everyone can sample everyone else.  There are swingers’ events, cruises, private clubs and the like.  There are websites where you can go to find couples that are like-minded.

There are rules and etiquette that go along with the lifestyle and nearly every website for swingers’ events has a FAQ section where you can learn about them.  If you and your partner decide to try this there are things you should know.  “No” has always and will always mean “no.”  Simply because someone is at an event doesn’t mean they’re free game.  Some people just go for the live show.  If you’re new, tell people you are you.  They will not only be understanding, they’ll answer questions for you, introduce you to couples that handle newbies really well. (Notice that communication still is key here.)

Protection is a must.  That sort of goes without saying.  If someone doesn’t want to use protection – RUN.

Read, read all you can.  Talk with your partner and discuss your rules ahead of time.  I’ll blog more about the Lifestyle later.

7 thoughts on “Keeping the Fire in the Bedroom

  1. Enjoyed the “Gentlemen, slow down”…flat out true enough to make me giggle. As far as the club scenes go, I don’t know if I could handle the sharing. The trust is good, but he is mine. It’s difficult to imagine how to consider making those steps, I would not want to make one then regret it by finding out after the fact that it isn’t something I could handle emotionally. However, I am very curious about it. Is it really ok to go to functions like this and just watch?


    1. Absolutely! It’s totally acceptable! You pay to get in and you’re never expected to participate. I wouldn’t stand outside a room forever, that’s a little creepy, but you can enjoy the show or just put on a show for others or do nothing but enjoy the erotic atmosphere. When you get approached (and you will) just tell people you’re very new and that you’re only there to observe and get a feel for the place. People in the lifestyle (usually, douches are everywhere) are very cool and understanding. They’ll answer any questions you have, including the difficulty in sharing etc. You’d be amazed how cool some can be.


      1. Ok…couple of questions have sprung to mind now. First off, “meat market” type of being approached? And how do you find a spot in your area that might have a little higher class to it?


      2. Do some online research. You’ll see reviews from others. Online swinger’s websites are good for chatting with others about their experiences at different clubs. Some people prefer on-premise clubs. Others, prefer hotel takeovers etc. It’s not so much a meat market. You will be looked at, admired, lusted after… it’s the environment. People will approach you in a friendly manner just to chat. They’ll “feel you out” to see if you’re like-minded. It’s a very friendly atmosphere.


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